Step 11--Prayer ("Talking with God") and Meditation ("Listening to God")

By Ronnie A.

Preface: I wrote to my Higher Power, in a journaling meditation, during moment of dire need for comfort from my unbearable pain last summer at the suggestion of a COSA friend, who also recommended that I write about what I felt my Higher Power would write back to me. Please “take what you like and leave the rest," for this is my own personal Experience, Strength, and Hope about my connection with my Higher Power.

Dear God,

I am in such pain and feel such despair at being abandoned emotionally and physically by my husband. Please help me find the compassion I need and the words and behavior than can help me do or say what you want me to, to ease my pain and assuage my anger. Thank you for the moments of clarity during my walk today and throughout the day. Thank you for letting me recall the small child inside, little (insert first name here), who feels so alone and so many feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. Please help her to endure the pain of this growth period and allow her to be hopeful that she can come out and enjoy the bounties of life that wait for her. Please stay with her and give her courage and strength to go forward with our without her husband.

It’s hard to feel compassion through all the rage. I want to give it all away, I cannot control it, nor handle it. Can I give it to you? I know you will have the right plan and that there is nothing I need to do—that you will guide me and I don’t ever have to feel alone and abandoned by anyone because you love me and are always with me. Thank you and forgive me doubting your presence and testing to see if you are there when I don’t see a sign from you to assure me. I want to believe always.

Dear Child of Mine,

I love you as I love all my children, (insert first name, middle name, maiden name, married name here). The compassion you search for is within yourself, as are the words and behavior that will help you lessen your own pain and pacify your own anger, my dear one. You must first love yourself as I have made you; first find the words to tell yourself today and every day that you are deserving of love; first learn that your are allowed to make mistakes and be forgiven, as are all your brothers and sisters through all generations… and I will still love you.

I’ve made each of you imperfect so that you can learn and grow and change. Change is how the delicate balance of my world moves through time. Without it, there would be no winters of glittering blankets of snow, no spring for you to enjoy the promise of what awaits as you behold snowdrops and aconite poke through the winter cover. Without change, how would you smell the sweet perfume of fresh flowers as they prepare the seeds of their next year’s growth; or take in the summer sensations like balmy breezes that both warm and cool you; toes wiggling in velvety sand; hearing the joyous sounds and laughter of your brethren as they enjoy the relaxing days of summer. Could you be happy without the crisp autumn air and the colors of the countryside as it readies for its winter of rest to recharge and renew itself for repeating it’s cycle. Like the seasons, dear (your name), I give you lessons to help you change and grow.

You cannot know what those changes are until you endure the process that encourages your growth. You must experience “growing pains” that make you stronger and ready for the next season of your days. Don’t try to arrive early or you’ll miss the pleasures to be savored along the way. Sometimes I slow down or speed up time so you’re ready to receive the gifts I have for you. I have something special planned for each and every one of you. Don’t compare yourself to my other children—you are each on a different course.

All I ask is that you trust me and believe that I will take care of you—that you cannot control outcomes for yourself nor others even if I allow you to sometimes think that you can. All I ask is that you do the best you can with what I give you at any particular time, even if what I give is not what you asked for. I’m giving you each what you need when you need it. Trust me and I will always be there for you. Sometimes I’ll give you a sign to nudge you along on the path I have chosen for you. Other times, I require you to trust me when I give you no sign of my presence. It’s your unwavering trust that I will reward.

I sent you to experience my world alone. You will be alone when I call you home. There will be feelings of abandonment if you depend on my other children to make you feel whole. They are as or more needy than you. When you observe the path they are on, you cannot control it or change it by imposing your instincts on them for your lessons in life are yours alone and you are the sum of your experiences and they theirs. I am their God too. Each one of you has a unique set of circumstances and I am here to nurture each of my children that allow me to. But first, you must each trust that I am your God.

Love yourself and you will love others. Trust yourself so you can trust others. Be gentle with yourself so you can be gentle with others. Forgive yourself, so you can forgive others. Their lessons to learn come from me—trust that I’ll give them to you and them at the right time. Let go of trying to control yourself to be more than human so that you can let go of controlling others. You cannot control them. The power to control them is mine. If you have anguish, give it to me so I can turn it into a gift to you.

Try it—trust me. I will never fail you. Believe—I will make miracles for you. Accept me as you can “see” me, for I am your God.

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